caminante haciendo camino
because absence makes the heart grow fonder
2005-02-22 | 11:08 p.m.

Yes, I know. Itís been a really long time since last I wrote anything here. There are several reasons for my absence. Certainly work has been busy and free time scarce. Also, I trek back down to the Valley nearly every weekend and therefore I usually find myself without internet access during the weekends.

Iíve also been going through some emotional issues that Iíve been reluctant to face head on by giving words to the feelings. Cowardly of me, I know.

Add to that the endless struggle with how much to write in such a public space and what to do when what you write here leaks into your real world, and you end up with nearly three weeks since my last entry.

None of those issues have been resolved. Work is still busy. Free time is still scarce. Iím still in the midst of an emotional ďfunkĒ and Iím still anxious about confronting it in writing. I still struggle with how much and what to write here. But, despite all that, Iím unwilling to give up on this diary entirely. I still need this space, even though Iím not always sure what to do with it.

That emotional funk I mentioned...well, ďfunkĒ is my euphemism for weeks of depression, uncontrollable weepiness, and frightening loneliness. ďEmotional funkĒ seems so much less miserable than the full length definition.

It shouldnít surprise me that all of these emotional have floated to the surface lately. Moving to a new town. Settling into a new apartment. Starting a new job. Not knowing anyone here. Leaving friends and family back home. Itís been a rollercoaster six months.

The isolation of the move and the new job have left room for me to think on aspects of my life that I had previously not given myself time to dwell on.

Recognizing the ďnormalcyĒ of my internal turmoil doesnít go far in resolving any of the issues, but it does help in simply allowing myself to feel what I feel right now. Iíll work on solutions later. For now I have to get comfortable with the feelings.

One last thing before I bring this entry to a close. I canít leave without whining, just a little, about how miserable I feel. Since Saturday Iíve been hacking, wheezing, sniffly, and feverish. My three day weekend was completely shot. And I still was feeling horrible this morning so I stayed home from work. I slept most of the day and Iím now feeling slightly more human. Enough so that Iíll drag myself in to work tomorrow so that no one will have to cover my court calendar. I ought not complain too much. I know othersí have had a far worse time of it this past week than I have. Iím just tired of feeling crappy and Iím actually looking forward to feeling well enough for work again.

Listening To: late night tv
Reading: Drawing Down the Moon
Feeling: sick

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