caminante haciendo camino
internal dialogue
2005-01-31 | 8:57 p.m.

ďWrite down what you say to yourself about...Ē

Your appearance...I have a pretty face. I could be pretty, even beautiful, if I werenít so fat. I look less ďprofessionalĒ than I should, even in business suits, because of my weight. Iím not attractive. No one could ever find me attractive at this weight. No man will ever love me as long as I look like this. Iím fat and Iím ugly.

Your body shape....Iím fat. My ass and thighs are too large. Hell, my calves and ankles are even fat. I never used to carry my fat around my stomach, but I do now...a big roll of fat around the middle. The only part of me thatís too small are my breasts...they will never be proportional to the size of my ass.

Your ability to manage your weight...I want to get control of my weight. I need to be more disciplined, more focused about it. Iím able to succeed Ė to set a goal and to persevere until I reach it Ė in every other aspect of my life, I canít understand why I canít do the same and finally get control over my weight. Iíve been fat all my life, maybe Iíll always be fat. I can do this. If I fail, thereís no one to blame but myself.

Your exercise level...Iím lazy. I could get up early to exercise, but Iíd rather sleep. I donít have any time to exercise. If I donít do it first thing in the morning, then I canít do it at all because there are so many things that come up during the day. I donít like to exercise. Itís not fun. It doesnít feel good. I need to have a large block of available time Ė at least 1 hour Ė in order to exercise. If I sit down or do anything else after work, instead of exercising straight away, then I wonít do it. . . . . But, I do feel better after I exercise. And, it only takes 20 or 30 minutes to do an aerobics video. I feel great after I do yoga. I liked the way I felt when I was strength training...I felt strong and it felt good.

Your self-control...I have none. I know when Iím crossing the line Ė eating something that I shouldnít or making some excuse for not exercising, for example Ė but I go ahead and do it anyway. I always have an excuse, a reason.

Your general health...I am horribly out of shape. I canít climb the stairs or walk up the hill without huffing and puffing. Iíve just been lucky that my weight hasnít had worse health consequences.

Like the other chapters of this book, Iíve been postponing working through this chapter for over a week now. I knew, on some level, that the things I think about myself were harsh. But the edges of those words were somehow not as sharp as long as I didnít write them down. Now that some of what I think about myself is on paper, I can see, and I can feel, how deeply those thoughts cut.

I talk a big game of healthy self-esteem and well-developed self-worth...but my own thoughts belie this.

Why do I do this to myself? I wouldnít put up with someone else telling me these things. Why do I allow this from myself?

In some of this internal dialogue, I see reflected some of the things that AJ said to me ... basically that he couldnít love me unless I lost weight. Damn it. I thought I had purged that. I thought I had recovered the sense of self-esteem that was trampled under his indifference. But there it is, his disdain running like a broken record through my own thoughts.

I donít know what to do with this stark look at the voices in my own head. How do I go about changing what I think about myself?

Listening To: the heater humming
Reading: Dr. Phil's "Ultimate Weight Loss Solution"
Feeling: exposed

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