I�ve known for years. Somewhere buried beneath the immediacy of today and plans for tomorrow, I knew it. I didn�t want it to be true. I hoped since I hadn�t had to deal with it, that it really wasn�t. Maybe I had been wrong. Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe everyone had been wrong. Maybe, if I ignored it, it would go away. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I hadn�t been wrong. I had known the truth, but I had chosen not to acknowledge it. Today, I was forced to confront what I had secreted in the recesses of my mind. Today I had to face the truth, and with it the past. I thought I was done with it, done with him. But today the echoes of the past rang loudly and undeniably in my present.
It made me sad. Sad that I would always carry this around with me. Like a small stain on my soul that I would always know existed. It made me angry. Angry at him. But, most of all, angry with myself. I don�t know how I so misjudged the situation, the person, the repercussions. I guess the answer to �how� is love. I fell in love, and fell out of sound judgment.
But none of that really matters now. What is, simply is. I�ll deal with it. It won�t change me; it won�t make me less, not even in my own mind. I won�t let it. Nor will I wallow in regrets. I won�t regret falling in love. If I let myself regret the love, I risk never opening myself to it again. I do wish I would have been smarter about it. But I can�t change that either.
No regrets. All will be well. No regrets. All will be well.
I�ll just keep telling myself that until I believe it.
Listening To: the thoughts racing in my head
Reading: nothing
Feeling: sad and angry