I came home yesterday to find my cousin, Liz, prone on my couch, griping her mid-section, and groaning something that sounded vaguely like �oohhhgod.� Apparently, she was on her way into work when something like the cow spinning fury of �Twister� touched down in her abdomen.
It�s important to note that Liz recently bought a home somewhere between way the hell out there and the middle of nowhere. So she has quite a commute. And, as Murphy knows always happens, her digestive track decided to mutiny somewhere in the middle of this trek to work. Her first frantic call was to Yesenia.
Liz: Ohmygod, I�ve got to use your bathroom. Are you at home?
Yes: No, I�m on my way to the post office.
Liz: ohmygod, ohmygod, I�m not gonna make it. ohmygod. Yesenia, I�m not gonna make it. I think I�m going to shit in my pants. ohmygod. I�m calling Michael, I�ll never make it there. ohmygod.
Liz calls her brother Michael. After some understandable guffaws, Michael tells her to go to his house. She does. She takes care of business (from all accounts, it was some pretty serious business, but I�ll spare you the details). Then she resumes her trek to work.
Apparently Mother Nature isn�t done with her. Another call to Yesenia.
Liz: Hurry, you've gotta get home. I have to go again. Ohmygod, Yesenia. I don�t think I can hold it.
Yes: I�m almost home.
Liz: Ohgod, I have to shift gears, I don�t know if I can shift and clench at the same time. ohgod, ohgod, ohgod! Hurry, Yesenia!
I�m happy to report that Liz made it to our bathroom on time. A little while later, I arrived home to find her moaning on the couch, while Yesenia sat on the ground laughing so hard there were tears running down her face. I was little baffled, so Yesenia, between gales of laughter, explained what happened. Naturally, although I felt bad for Liz, I laughed until my side hurt. You see, Liz has a penchant for having to go to the bathroom at exactly the wrong time. Her bathroom woes have been memorialized in now-famous voice mails and recounted at numerous family events. She�s practically famous for it. And apparently, her notoriety doesn�t bother her. She will even do a re-enactment of her trying to shift gears while keeping her sphincter tightly clenched. Once she was feeling better, she did it for us. In case you�re having a hard time picturing it, let me just tell you, it was damned funny stuff.
On that very amusing visual image, I think I�ll get back to work now.
~Jess.
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